She Started Living a Life She Imagined Moved to CAMBODIA!

Hahahahaha look at the title of this post, it’s a first post in years here, but LOL, there were some major changes made in my life.

The title of the post and even my blog is “She Started Living a life she imagined”, but trust me I have never imagined myself moving to Cambodia, like ever! Hahahah, but oh what a journey it has been so far – you would not believe it when you read / I tell you.

But at the end of the day it’s an amazing story to tell.

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Brief intro: I moved to Phnom Penh 6 months ago, to work for an NGO. Now 6 months later, 2 days before Christmas – I ended up homeless and jobless on the streets of Phnom Penh – together with my 3 teammates and friends, crashing in hostels and now 4 of us living in a room at our friends flat in Phnom Penh. However the situation is amazing and historical, well and hysterical.

Now it’s time to tell the story, of how I moved to Cambodia and ended up jobless and homeless in the spam of 2 days, having the time of my life and spending the time with 3 individuals, who were brought together by circumstances and same NGO – but we share the same values hahaha.

We wowed to write a book of 4 short stories – titled “How to waste 6 months of your life.” – wait for it, it will be amazing.

So this is just an intro post of my story and experiences over the past year and start of this new year. #NewYearNewMe bahahaha

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Sit down, read through and enjoy the ride.

 

*3rd Jan 2016; homeless, jobless, living together with 3 amazing individuals in 1 room; laughing hysterically* 

MOVING ON… MOVING ALONG… (BEING PROACTIVE 1.0)

 

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After a series of mayor setbacks, admittedly also caused by me, the life needed to start moving again. And it did, but not by it’s own, I had to push it, and start walking again. Baby step, by baby step, conquering what seem to be the biggest issues in my life.

This year, after I saw a series of pictures with this life sentence or rather life motto. This series of signs might be ‘from the gods’ or someone spiritual or supernatural wanting to tell me, that I need to follow this life path more. Than again, it could be just my regular visits on certain social media sites, or staring in a re-blogged post of a picture with that sentence. And there is also my constant wish, for something to finally change.

So I decided to spend my savings (that were meant for me moving away, from this place, that makes me unhappy) on a new field of study, to better myself, to step forward and to develop personally and professionally. Smart right?! I don’t really know, but one thing is for sure… as much it makes me feel good and I am happy that I made this decision. I can not tell, that in these past few months, there were not any moments in which I thought, why I’m even doing this or is it worth it?

Granted being even more proactive about my life, than before, and trying to take charge of it and try to do the things I really want; and not really think what others say; makes me feel better. But as a true capricorn, if I allow myself to use this reference, I feel the constant need, that I don’t do enough and that I will never be good enough for some people in my life.

I am constantly haunted by the idea, what is expected from me, and that I will never be good enough. But I’m slowly coming to peace with the fact, that only, what I think about my life is what is actually important.

“If you don’t keep expanding your comfort zone, your comfort zone actually gets smaller and smaller, until you’re shrink-wrapped in such a tiny comfort zone that you can’t move, you can’t achieve anything, you can’t grow.”– Roz Savage

So the count of the progress, that makes me feel better about myself; where I’m heading and what I want to become: 

– two schools, both with mayors, that I enjoy

– joined an NGO student organization (that has become a pain in my ass; but I can’t seem to leave it, and drop the project; because at the end of the day, I will always be a perfectionist, and a person who wants to finish what I have started); but I’m meeting new people, form all around the world, and learning ‘team work’ (I suppose) – which is all good and positive

– finally started to take grammar courses in Spanish… which I always wanted to do

– more ‘non’ Uni reading… which always makes me happy and excited

– decided how to improve my living situation; granted I didn’t execute it jet, but I’m getting there

– I think I discovered, the field I want to work in… so at least that…

– I took more trips by myself (which I always liked to do, but I haven’t done it enough).

– Try out new, slightly uncomfortable, cafes or restaurants.

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It’s not much, but this last 6 months, have given me some clarity, of what kind of person and who, I want to become. So there is that. I just need to step out of my comfort zone. (HA! Get it?)

“Being proactive 1.0″?  – Because it’s merely a start, a start of a improved life, a one that I always imagined. I made a step, I didn’t jump of a cliff. Yet!

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“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” – T.S. Eliot

Setbacks.

Setbacks have become a constant in my life. Some are arguably my fault others are fault of the universe or bad luck. Honestly how many years of bad luck can I blame on that broken mirror from 2002 or 2003?

After some months of mid-success in the University, came a month of complete failure; some might not see my situation as a failure, but I sure do. The moments I most needed a dash luck, there wasn’t any. And as a result of that I’m facing another setback in my oh so important university success.

It’s so hard to be optimistic and move on with your life, if things like this occur. Everyone says you should be optimistic, and move on and forget what happened, but after so many years o being a complete screw-up and failure in the university life and in life in general – staying and being positive is a difficult, maybe even impossible task. This is not a pity party, just the course of my life in my early twenties.

I’ve read a great article about the ways how 20-somethings ruin their twenties, and I established that many of them are true form me. The ones that didn’t apply for me, are the ones talking about people in relationships; which obviously doesn’t apply for me, due to my incredible lack of luck(?)/success(?)/men interested in me(?) on the romantic field.

But to add on my, already incredibly long list of anxieties and stress factors, now my mind is consumed with the thought, that “I’m ruining my twenties“.

Now, that I’ve calmed myself a bit and am facing my university future for the next year,  I must also be careful, that I don’t continue on this path of completely ruining my twenties… and only listen to what my head is telling me to do, not what heads that are attached to other people’s bodies are telling me what I should do. (But this is so difficult when this thoughts are coming from the person, who birthed you.)

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. And experience is the most valuable thing you have to offer. – Randy Pausch

Leaving people behind.

Sometimes I want to ring my friends from high school; we were supposedly so very close and had a great friendship, but it wasn’t always easy. Now we are quite a few years older, and once in a while I do still miss them, or rather think of them. I want to see how they are doing, not in a gossipy way at all, but just – How is your life? Do you even remember me? What happened with our friendship or did we just really grew apart because of ‘life’?

So, why am I not able just to call them or send a friend invite on their facebook? I wonder, what am I really scared of? I do sometimes think that with some of this people I have unresolved questions, that in reality shouldn’t even bother me anymore; but they do come up. Was really my decisions that bothered her so much, that she doesn’t even consider calling me. Or we weren’t that great friends after all. This friend was, a person who I, now looking back, probably wanted to be. I wanted to have the things she had and be like her. Not in every way, but in some, sure. After quite sometime not even thinking about it/her, I did just left her behind; but this thoughts surfaced today, as I really randomly found her tumblr and than her blog. Despite the fact that she goes now to the same Uni as I; which is also very unsettling, because even though the Uni is quite big, I can really ran into her in the hallway or we may even have the same class someday. Than what, should I ignore her, go say hi, look the other way and what will she do would she ignore me? My guess is yes. So why do I even think about her? Am I still competing with her in a way. Why can’t I just completely leave her behind and never look back, as she did?

Oftentimes, I’m accused of being the introverted, and that I’m the one who is waiting for a call, but never giving the call first. (Which is just a silly argument to have with someone, but so many times some people accuse me of this behaviour… But I believe that, that is far from true; I do however admit to getting into moods where I focus all my attention on a ‘project’, and don’t find time for supposedly fun things.) But in this case, with some of my high school ‘friends’ I was the one who reached first, but just didn’t get the response I was hoping for, so I stopped trying; because quite frankly what is the point.

The point being, why am I still competing with her? I need to find my own pathway, far far away from her. Because at the end of the day, I did make some great friendships, with people I would never expect to and I have to find my own voice in this life. One that is not spoken through different people in my life and demons in my head – one that allows me to live freely, lightly and positively. (Cliche? Yes, but it is true.)

I’ve burnt my first shirt!

Being the age I am, and just today burning my first shirt with an iron is quite and accomplishment; to be completely fair – was it really my fault or was it the deceiving ‘note’ on the shirt, where it’s marked that it’s okay to iron it. I’m not really looking for the answer on, who’s fault it was – probably both sides. But it left me quite happy – not because I’ve ruined a shirt, that I’ve never even wore – but because I’m well into my twenties and this was my first burning shirts mishap.

Quite an achievement. Considering some a) don’t know how to iron, b) are horrible at it, c) don’t want to, d) are (despite their age) dependent on their mother (or sister), to iron for them. Not pointing any fingers – well, not openly pointing any fingers, but secretly thinking of a person who is guilty of all those four points. I am a very self-sufficient person – a do it myself kind of girl; and it is apparently extremely difficult for me to understand, why some depend on other so much. It may be, my controlling nature – where I have to have my life under control, if not I’m miserable, or the fact that I often sympathize (for lack of a better word) with people who are ‘supposed’ to do everything or more, just so that some live a very comfortable life. Since I was little, I’ve always told I’ll never cater a man back and forth, and do everything for them – and my mother always led me to believe, that (because I’ve used the word NEVER) I’ll automatically have to do so. My mother (as I believe) was raised in a way, where women sit (sit = ?) / ARE is probably better word – the ones who cook and clean and take care of the mess (that men produce), raise children and buy groceries ect.

Which reminds me – yesterday we were grocery shopping (see) and she was completely astonished when she saw, about 30-35 year old man with two small children grocery shopping – and she called that ‘modern lifestyle’. Maybe so, but in my opinion that is quite normal. That got me thinking about, how I don’t have any memories of ever going grocery shopping with just my father, when I was younger or even now – not that I’m complaining because being with him in a store is a pain, he is so slow, which is quite surreal actually, especially because he doesn’t like going to stores, or shopping or anything related – so, why so slow man?

But trying not to detour too much here – women are (I was at least) raised in a way where, we are led to believe that we should do all those things (and be amazing at it), in addition to go to work full time and running other errands that surface. Meanwhile, men go to work obviously, and occasionally clean around the house (outside – grass, leaves …) – that not including the garden which is the women’s responsibility. This is pretty much the ‘lifestyle’ I grew in – not saying that my father doesn’t work hard or anything – because his job is quite stressful and physically demanding – but still I’ve never understood the devision of ‘house work’ between my mother and father.

This ‘men don’t do housework’ is (at least in my case) going from generation to generation. My brother has many times stated ‘I’ll find someone who will do everything for me’ (or something to that effect). All good and well, if he really manages to find someone like that. I believe nowadays it is harder to find a women who will basically cater you back and forth; but hey my answer has always been – very sarcastically of course – ‘sure, why not’. What bothers me is the sense of entitlement that he has, and not worrying about other people and their feelings, tiredness. Thinking: you should do this for me, because you’re my mother, father, sister – but when you ask me for help, oh I’ll find an excuse to get out of it; when you ask to do something for you, I’ll make up an argument that proves, why I shouldn’t do that.

This has quite quickly turned into a rant against my brother, but that really was not my intention – however it always takes a rise in me, just thinking about his behaviour. I consider it an enormous privilege, that our parents are still willing to support us – and taking advantage is rude and disrespectful. I try to make my own money, save it and help around the house as much as I can – even if I only put the dishes in the washing machine, do my own laundry and ironing – which apparently results in burned clothes, and their laundry, cook and vacuum (at least for me and my floor, if not always for the whole house) – but on the other side there is my brother, who doesn’t seem to value the importance of money, and only spends – going out every night, holidays, cigarettes, God knows what else… He thinks that he is entitled to the second car (which was bought for me, my mum and him – but he drives it 80% of the time) and never pays for gas. Seriously, sometimes I think I drive it only when it needs to be filled up – and me or my mum get stuck with the bill – in all honesty my mother in vase majority of the cases, but still the bloody thing is always empty. Not to mention, I have to always reserve it (I’m not even joking) – and I still don’t get it all the time, because he throws a tantrum and I, as the older and wiser have to let go – but not without a lifetime memory of every time it happens. Uh, oh… it just aggravates me; but anyways.

Apparently I went in an entirely different direction, from where I started; which was – a burnt shirt, and the meaning of the phrase ‘that’s a women’s job‘ – which when used on me, results in a death stare and never letting you live down that you said THAT to me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind doing things for others, even for a man – what bothers me is the perception, that I MUST do all of the above, because I wasn’t born with a male reproductive organ – and that I also should not expect ever finding a man, who will want to do something nice for me for a change. Maybe solely because, when I was younger I’ve used the word ‘never’ in some wrong contexts. Possibly that is the reason why I’m still single, apparently I should just settle for a life of labour and doing things for men; not ever expecting a favour in return.

Ah, I don’t think that dark, or do I? But here is my shirt aftermath: 

 

Economy sucks. Economics sucks. My ‘economics’ are starting to suck.

Getting fired last friday, was a minor, seriously, really minor setback in my life, life plan if you will; but it is what it is. Oh yeah the economy sucks, when is that going to get sorted?

Anyways. At least now I have plenty of time for all the summer reading, runs, hiking and walks, studying for the two (or three) exams that still need to be successfully finished, and spending all the money I’ve earned before; which was supposed to be going in a ‘box’ for my moving-the-hell-out-of-my-parents-and-my-brothers-house plan. But apparently new shoes, equipment for my turtle and a bunch of other clearly more necessary stuff, are just more important. I don’t really prioritize that, but new expenses just arise.

I’ve spent a good majority of this year listening and reading about the current problems of the economy, so I’ll just stay with my title, that economy sucks and not divulge more into that.

Now, as for economics sucks… I mean, firstly on my economics lectures/class at Uni. It was the most unbelievable and surreal thing I’ve experienced this year. The assistant professor, who was teaching us more detailed exercises was a total loon. Not even kidding, sometimes I’ve felt like I’m taking a theatre class, other times poetry class and sometimes I’ve felt, as I’m in a philosophy or psychology class; he was always coming up with some poems and he has the most cringe worthy creepy laugh. This is the most frustrating class, apart from German class (totally different loon, totally different psychology) – the annoying part is that I understand economics and economy, but when it comes to the point I have to draw this shit in a chart and stuff, major problems surface. And it’s just stupid. And annoying. But anyways, I hope I’ll be able to handle it. Yes. But I have to go see the loon, one last time before the written exam; and that’s annoying as hell. Because as I might already mentioned, he’s a loon – with all due respect. So there is another lesson I’ve learned this year – don’t procrastinate on going to see the loony toons professors, because you’ll have to go see them in the summer – which is even more annoying.

The last part of this – trying to figure out why my personal finances are not in the most positive spirits, I should say. Part of it is that I don’t have a job at the moment, but other part is spending the money – probably, I’m not 100% sure. Granted I did buy, possibly overpriced shoes, the day I got fired, but the purchase was categorized in ‘retail therapy’ section of my budget. So that kinda makes it okay, apart from the fact that they are amazingly awesome looking.

I’m one of those people, who buy new books even though, I haven’t quite have the time to read them all; have to admit I already have a massive ‘wish list’ in an online book store and actual store and three or seven borrowed from a library. As I’m having a bit more time that I’ve expected, I will dive into that now, besides my Economics class books (unbelievable). I’m currently finally reading Aleph by P. Coelho, so I’ll finally finish this post with a quote from this book:

 

“In magic – and in life – there is only the present moment, the now. You can’t measure the time the way you measure the distance between two points. ‘Time’ doesn’t pass. We human beings have enormous difficulty focusing on the present: we are always thinking about what we did, about how we could have done it better, about the consequences of our actions, and why we didn’t act as we should have.” – Aleph, P Coelho

Oh the Dreadful people and activities

So… I had to go to the annual doctors visit for the Uni yesterday; I will never understand why we need to go. It’s like one of those situations: If I need to go I’ll go, if it’s really necessary; but it’s really not. They make you wait like crazy, running from one place to another, lecturing you and stating you all the already obvious problems you have. At the short ‘lecture’, but oh how very long if you’re listening to the same thing for the billionth time, they went on and on, about how healthy eating and exercise (of any kind) is so important, especially because we are students entering a new chapter of our lives, the most important one in fact (seriously) and because we have stacks of books to read, and as we soon realized, that is only possible sitting down. Oh really, I didn’t know, I read all my books and notes walking, pacing, fast walking or running, depends on my day. That we basically should eat healthy (!), drink no alcohol and never smoke (with which I agree, especially for the smoking part; as for alcohol, somedays you just need a Jack or other days, a mimosa is the only thing that gets you started) and only one cup of coffee a day, now in my world that is basically unheard of, since I was I don’t know 12 (granted I didn’t drink 2 cups of coffee a day than, but still… every member of my family did, and they’re fine; plus my blood pressure is great so that’s cool).

But anyways, I came home, boiled some pasta, opened a box of chocolates and made some coffee.

Deciding in my head… I’ll start tomorrow. Well it’s tomorrow (well technically the day after tomorrow, but still…)… we did well for the day! On to tomorrow!!